am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
