my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
