so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
