It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
