im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
its not stalking. its research.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
