Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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