I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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