Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
