shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
