I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
