i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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