this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
