my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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