Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
