I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
