How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
