I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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