a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
