and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
