Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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