dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
