My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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