clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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