Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
