I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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