Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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