I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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