I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
