Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
