he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
