i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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