She went from zero to smokin in five shots
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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