I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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