i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
