why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
