i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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