just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
