how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
