Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
