my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
