I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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