dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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