I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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