I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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