Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
