Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There's always time for handjobs
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
