Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
