i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Randomize
