My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
