Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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