If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
