nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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