she woke up with a sticky ear
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
